Wow! It has been a long time since last I wrote anything on here. Sorry for that, by the way. I've been either exceedingly busy, sick and/or too tired to write anything worthwhile. But now, I feel that I have reached a place where I am well rested, in good spirits and without any work to worry about. My time here at Torchbearers, Yamanakako has come to an end at last and I am quite ready and eager to begin headed on the next phase of this trip. A missionary friend will be picking me up tomorrow at 10:00 to start the final week of my stay here in the Land of the Rising Sun.
Now that I have reached this point, I am forced to look back on the past four weeks and even the past few months leading up to this trip. I have come a long way. 6,907.509 miles to be exact! Despite even this staggering venture, I have been prone to doubt and question my purpose for being here. Ever since I have had the desire to go into missions in Japan, I have wrestled with myself over whether this is my desire or God's desire in me. I try very hard to not let people know that despite my stubborn determination to go ahead with my plans, I really go back and forth on this all the time. "Am I called to be a missionary in Japan?" "Am I even being called into ministry?" "If it turns out I'm not, then what will all the people that have supported me think of it?" I greatly fear letting people down, so I also take into consideration that I'm forcing myself to go into this because I've come so far already and people expect it of me to finish strong, right?
I have had a lot of this sort of pondering especially in the past few weeks. It wasn't until yesterday that I reached any real conclusion about any of this. It was a day off for me, which meant that I was going to spend the day relaxing and regaining the vital mental sanity that had been stolen from me due to a mind-numbing 12 hours a day/ 6 days a week volunteer work schedule. And we all know the classiest way to relax is either in a café or in a hammock. So I combined the two by going to the Hammock Café (yes that's a real place - here's a picture of my friend, Ben in one of the hammocks)
Anyway, I spent a good hour and a half in focused prayer asking God why he had put me here and why He was letting my trip go so poorly (as were my thoughts at the time). I felt like I was a failure because the main goals I had set in place weren't seemingly being fulfilled. After praying and looking over some scriptures, I realized that perhaps I didn't get the trip that I wanted, but rather the trip I needed. I feel as though I have matured in some ways, gained experience and came out better for it. By shattering my plan, I believe God orchestrated His own instead and allowed me to be continually tested. I have learned a great deal from these experiences. I think that I may have been too spoiled going into this, because many of my plans tend to work out well, and I figured I had this one nailed down. Now God has shown me that He can make better plans. I just need to be mature about when my plans don't always work out. So through this, I have realized that I am not a failure for the state of my trip and that God's sovereignty affirms the fact that I am meant to be here at this time. I also keep getting a stronger feeling that He wants me to come back. Only time will tell. Until then, I'll just continue to learn from mistakes and not take myself too seriously.
Japanese phrase of the day:
Nattou
Translation:
Fermented Soybeans (try at your own risk)
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